I had a birthday this week. I am, oh, so much more than twenty. The tendency as you grow older is to grow maudlin and wax nostalgic about the good old days when TV was a 16 inch round black & white screen and there were only three channels (no MTV), milk was delivered to your doorstep, but you had to pick up your pizza. You could buy a Corvette for under $3500, gas cost $.25 a gallon, and in small town America, you didn’t have to lock your door. But, I’m not going to do that.
It’s not much fun getting older. Everything gets harder, well, maybe not everything. Certain body parts stop working, and what does work…hurts. You get a little wiser. I’ve learned, for example, all of life’s pleasures are based on pressure/release. So, a good bowel movement can be as satisfying as sex, but you don’t have to brush your teeth or shave…or even need a partner, unless you’re into that sort of thing. They call this the golden years because life becomes so precious that like gold, soon friends will only be able to find you buried in the ground. I hate it when people say “you look good for your age.” Right, that’s what they told Methuselah and his skin resembled an old wallet. My other favorite is “you are so well preserved for your age.” Must be the formaldehyde.
When you get get older, it’s hard to feel sexy when you get naked and can’t stop laughing at each other. There are several dangers to watch out for when old people have sex: heart attack, stroke, back going out, putting it in a wrinkle, falling asleep before, after, or during sex, having to stop in the middle to go pee, forgetting how to do it, teeth coming out during oral (try explaining that to the emergency room doctor). Worse danger is having your wife finds out–
I’ve been married 40 years, what are you applauding for? Better him than me? Is that what you’re thinking? Turtles don’t live that long. I’ve been married to one woman all that time. Boring, right? Wife suggested we try role playing. I said OK. I’ll pretend you’re 30 and a different person. Recently I had a friend asks if I ever had any sex on the side? On the side? It’s been so long, I didn’t even know they moved it.
Grandchildren. Love ‘em, but it seems we’re always getting asked to babysit right after taking Viagra. But we solved that problem by smearing Vaseline all over the bedroom door handle. I can still hear their tiny hands in the hallway going…”swish, swish, swish.” I remember the first time I tried Viagra, it stuck in my throat, and I had a stiff neck for a week. Second time it worked, but I tripped on the way to ecstasy, pole vaulted over the bed, crashed into the TV and was knocked unconscious. My wife said best sex she ever had — there was nobody shouting out instructions…
Did you know AARP is starting a dating service for people over 50…First twenty men to sign up get a lifetime supply of Viagra. (at that age they won’t have to pay out for long), Every membership comes with a free ambulance ride to the emergence room. You get a full refund if your partner dies before the date is over. They’ve already had complaints. One woman had her date arrested for “assault with a dead weapon.” The man didn’t mind though, because they said in the papers that the judge had given him a stiff fine. One of problems with the new service is AARP can’t find any men over 50 who want to date a woman older than 50.
Did you know this is the Rolling Stones 50 year anniversary. The Rolling Stones used to be the bad boys of rock & roll. Arrested for pot, heroin, etc. Now their drug of choice these days is Viagra and energy bars.
Hugh Hefner got married on New Year’s Eve; his third marriage, her first. He’s 86, and she still fall under the child labor laws. Talk about May/Dec. More like May/18th Century. No champagne was served at reception, because the bride wasn’t old enough to drink. The bride said Hef is a great lover. when he can stay awake. The last time they fooled around in the shower, Hugh forgot to turn off his pacemaker and almost electrocuted himself. The bride, however, said she got quite a charge out of it.
Old love can be beautiful too. Recently two 80-year-olds got married and went on their honeymoon. First night, they got ready for bed, held hands and fell asleep, second night, the same thing happened. The third night, the groom reached out, and the bride said, “not tonight, I’ve got a headache.”
Okay, I need to take a nap now…