Eskimo Snow

The Inuit Eskimos have more than a dozen words in their language for snow…linguists says this is because snow plays such an important role in their culture. Makes sense, right?

Did you know we have an object in the English language that has even more words to describe it? Vagina. That’s right, there are hundreds of words around the world for vagina. Eve Ensler. even wrote a Broadway play about it, “The Vagina Monologues.” A man’s frank and beans are not nearly so celebrated.

Some say we have so many names for Vagina , because most people are uncomfortable with the word. It is so cold and clinical, failing to come close to describing our sincere fondness and admiration. But I say the reason we have hundreds of words for vagina because it is so damn important to our culture. A Princeton study, by the way, backs me up on this theory.

So in the interest of science, I have started a list of the most common words used to describe this “little slice of heaven.” Further, because there are so many names, I have broken them down into reference categories, like animals or food. This list does not contain any “pet” names, like one British lady who calls hers, “My Precious,” or another English lass, obviously enamored with Harry Potter, who refers to hers as the “Chamber of Secrets.”

Ten years ago I would have been embarrassed to write about this, but now this once forbidden word is all over the media…I heard it mentioned three times on last Monday’s CBS comedy block. This is CBS, the conservative network…not Fox or the CW!

I’ll bet you know quite a few of these nicknames already, maybe even more. So, don’t be shy, feel free to add to the list in the comments. Here you go…

Animals: Camel Toe, Beaver, Pussy, Kitty, Rat, Panty Hamster

Polite: Nether regions, Lady garden, Girly bits, Privates, Private parts, Bits, Down there, Tutu, Wee wee, No no (Edwardian-like suppression), Woo hoo, Hoo hoo, Foo foo, Coin purse

Food: Cherry, Peach, Bearded clam, Bearded Oyster, Fish Taco, Furry taco, Tuna taco, Fur burger, Cream pie, Beef curtains, Meat curtains, Meat sleeve, Hair pie, Honey pot, Hot Pocket, Cookie, Muffin, Cupcake, Whisker biscuit

Others: Axe wound, Birth cannon, Vajayjay, Vag, Twat, Slit, Snatch, Cooch, Coochie, Cooter, Cooze, Coozie, Gash, Crack, Hole, Pink canoe, Muff (spin off–muff diver), Flange, Minge, Nookie, Prison purse (vague reference to our penal system), Box, Nappy dugout, Quim, Snatch, Poon, Poontang, Fud (Scottish term), Mossy cleft, Hot box, Squeeze box (also a song by the Who!), Vertical smile, The Promised Land (biblical reference), Cha cha, Love tunnel, and Northwest Passage (Kim Kardashian plus Kanye West equals baby North)

Well, that’s all for now, but I feel this is a subject that demands a closer look..and definitely more exhaustive research.

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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy adventure, “Drafted,” and the upcoming political thriller, “Party Favors.”

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