New Year’s Resolutions 2014

I don’t make resolutions on the 1st day of the year, for all the normal reasons – still hung over from the night before, eyes out of focus from too much football, my engorged right hand remains stuck in the cookie jar.

Besides, even those folks brave enough to forecast their behavior for the next 364 days, rarely meet their own hopeful expectations. So, what’s the point?

The failure to reach these goals, I think, lies in lack of support. For example, the new treadmill sitting in your dining room, remains unused, because you can’t find the instruction book that tells you how to turn it on, but more importantly, you don’t have a friend cheering you to beat your five-day Boston Marathon record, or better yet, an Army Drill Sargent yelling at you to get off your ass and start running.

Then, I got an idea.

What if we made our resolutions together? Ten outstanding plausible goals we could all work on together in 2014…a team effort…full of promise, sharing, encouragement, love, support, fun, chips & salsa.

Now the difficult part will be getting seven billion souls to agree on these goals, because, let’s face it, we all do not travel in the same social circles.

But, with a fairly clear head, I put a lot of thought into my proposed list of ten common wishes for the coming year, which if achieved will be to the overall, well-being of us all (except for a few distant relatives in Cleveland who never liked any of my ideas).

1.  Convince Hollywood, Dustin Hoffman, and Warren Beatty to take another shot at “Ishtar,” using the Hope & Crosby road picture writers, if they are still alive.

2.  Change the weight tables, so 180 lbs at five foot four inches is considered normal and dangerously skinny.

3.  Have scientists invent a calorie filter for fast food.


4.  Achieve instant World Peace through a worldwide TV broadcast by famous hypnotist, Peter Powers (or we will all think we are naked, or a chicken for several hours…we’ll never know).

5.  For one week, you and your boss get to trade places, and he/she cannot fire you after the experience.

6.  Nutritionists will make desserts a major food group and a critical part of a balanced diet.

7.  In a historic move, President Obama will add plastic and gastric bypass surgery to 100% covered Obama-care procedures.

8.  Scientist will develop a machine (like in Lil’ Abner), where average people walk in one side and come out the other in perfect shape with washboard abs that never go away.

9.  Everyone will find true love when animal shelters give each family or individual, who wants one, a puppy or kitten of your choice, plus a year’s worth of pet food and vet care.

10.  Finally, we will all pool our money to buy power ball lottery tickets for the largest jackpot ever, pick the winning number, and share equally in the seven billion dollar prize!

Feel free to add an 11th personal goal, like learn the piano, read more, call your mother more often, or stop watching Duck Dynasty on moral principle. Now, as soon as all of you email me your approval of my list, we can get started…right after a short nap.


Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy-adventure novel “Drafted” (, and the soon to be released political thriller, “Party Favors.”

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