Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Is Qualified For President

Hillary Clinton
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As we head into the home stretch of the 2016 presidential election, I thought it important to take a close look at the two leading candidates and review their qualifications for the highest office in the good old U.S.A. Today let’s begin with the democratic nominee, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

  1. She is already very aware of all the secrets of the White House, including the alarm code, the location of the kitchen, how to board up the Kennedy Room to keep Bill out, where they hide the official stationary, and how to plan the menus for State Dinners.
  2. She has eight years experience as a US Senator from New York, a state she knew little about before she moved there to get elected (knowing it could never happen in Illinois or Arkansas). She got three major bills passed that she sponsored — naming a historic site, a post office, and a road, proving she is very good at naming things.
  3. She has four years international experience as Secretary of State under Obama (if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em). Continuing her hawkish ways in the Senate, where she voted to approve the war in Afganistan and for the Iraq resolution, she advocated the US military intervention in Libya, thereby achieving the trifecta of annoying most of the middle east. Adding to her international experience, Mrs. Clinton also has vacationed out of the US several times, called a friend in Rome once, and has a preference for French perfume.
  4. As First Lady in Arkansas, she learned all about southern cooking and can prepare homemade grits, roadkill, hog jowls, and collard greens without throwing up. If the presidential thing doesn’t work out she could open a restaurant in Hope called Monica’s Cafe.
  5. She is very smart about technology. As a Federal employee, she managed to set up private messaging system software and a private server that violated State Department protocols and procedures, and federal laws and regulations governing recordkeeping requirements and send unsecured secret messages for four years without getting caught. She also holds the Donkey Kong record score on the Secretary of State’s office PS-4.
  6. She is an author of five books and an experienced public speaker to corporations and Wall Street earning her thousands of dollars personally and in campaign funds (again she will be okay financially if the presidential and restaurant things don’t work out). A side benefit — as a writer she can compose her own acceptance speech, as well as her annual state of the union speeches, and fireside chats, thereby saving her and the taxpayer money, which can be applied to the increasing costs of Obama Care.
  7. She is a lawyer and will be able to represent herself in any future legal cases of violating Federal/state laws and or constitution issues, like abolishing the second amendment. Another cost savings for the taxpayer to counteract the millions of dollars going to fund liberal programs of supporting illegal immigrants with free education, medical care, welfare and 50% off coupons to Taco Bell.
  8. She is a “mature” woman, so taxpayers don’t have to worry about paying for six weeks of maternity leave (although she is already receiving social security payments, from a dwindling resource).
  9. She will get rid of Homeland Security so we can open up our borders to any and all people who want to come to this country without a passport or background check, giving them Federal jobs, a reasonable $100,000 stipend each to help them relocate, a get out of jail free card, and a lifetime subscription to the magazine, Terrorist International.
  10. Although claiming not to understand Bernie’s “socialism” or “religious” views, she still admires the man’s hippy protesting roots, because she and Bill were young and idealistic once in college. She plans to pardon Bernie if she is elected and not send him to Guantanamo to be with all his other comrades.bill and hillary

Please recognize the ten comments above are purely my personal opinion, are based on little to no facts, and do not reflect the opinions of management. They are presented in an attempt at humor and to bring a smile to your face if you are not a Democrat, any of the persons named, or a member of Congress. I plan to give equal time to lampooning Donald Trump…right after the election.

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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the adventure/comedy novel Drafted which is available at amazon.com and the upcoming political thriller, Identity Check.

Hillary Clinton’s Best Qualifications for President in 2016

bill and hillaryHillary Clinton, a liberal Democrat and Bill’s wife, was born in Chicago and raised a Methodist. She became the first First Lady in USA history to enter politics when she was elected as a Senator from New York, even though she had never lived there previously. She hopes to become the first woman president in our history and to coin the term “zillions” of dollars in national debt as she rolls out both new and old programs to redistribute this country’s net worth to everybody both here and abroad…at least until we are taken over by Russia or one of the many other aggressive world powers since our military will likely be broke and all our personal weapons removed so we have no way to defend ourselves.
Anyway, here are my suggestions on her best qualifications:
1. Yale Law Degree (like many of the other politicians running)
2. Eight Years in the White House (she already knows the alarm code & where the kitchen is located)
3. Eight Years in the US Senate where she co-sponsored all of three bills and had to rest after the effort.
4. Experience testifying in Washington about her e-mails, Benghazi, interns, super-PACs, wall street sponsored speeches, etc.
5. Loves to fly for free as the most-traveled Secretary of State in history visiting 112 countries during her four-year tenure, traversing 956,733 miles — enough to span the globe more than 38 times — and spending 401 total days on the road. (Not to mention all that tax-payer funded free food!)
6. She believes in same-sex marriage as long as it is between a man and a woman.
7. She believes in HUGE government, the more people on the dole, the better. Considering 100 cabinet positions and expanding the IRS to collect all the new taxes necessary to fund all the programs & support promised during the campaign.
8. Supports women’s rights including the right to wear pants suits for all occasions and having your partner carry your purse without making a face.
9. Supports your right to turn your recreational guns back into the government so they can redistribute to criminals & crazies who need them for work.
10. Loves Obamacare and supports every illegal alien’s right to free government health care as long as the rest of us pay for it.
11. Raised in a wealthy middle-class household, but served on the board of the corporation Wal-Mart, so she knows poor people, the downtrodden and poorly dressed.
12. Hates war but supported US invasions of Afganistan, Iraq, Lybia, Canada, and Colorado.
Don’t forget to VOTE!
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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy-adventure DRAFTED on amazon.com and former Washington DC lobbyist who also loves free travel & food.

My Dad, the President

Every time I write about something “political,” somebody gets upset. But my new novel, “Identity Check,” has politics as a central theme, so I might as well get use to it.

Pollsters predict that after all the smoke clears that the 2016 presidential election will likely offer Clinton vs Bush. Sound familiar? That would mean our latest series of presidents would be Bush (41st), Clinton (42nd), Bush (43rd), Obama (44th)….and then Bush or Clinton…again.

It got me to thinking about families in politics. Was George Bush and G.W. the first father/son in the White House? Nope…it was John Adams (2nd president) and his son, John Quincy Adams (6th president). john quincy adams

Benjamin Harrison, the 23rd president, was the grandson of William Henry Harrison, the 9th. Teddy Roosevelt (26th) and Franklin D. Roosevelt (32nd) were distant cousins. William Howard Taft (27th) had a son and grandson who were both U.S. Senators. And then there’s the Kennedy clan.

Having a recognizable name (or being related to one) has always helped in politics, as well as business or entertainment. Could a Diane Rodham (with Republican parents) get the Democratic presidential nomination? Maybe, but she has a much better chance as Hillary Diane Rodham-Clinton.Generated by  IJG JPEG Library

Jeb-BushYou need to remember the name to vote, but before you decide which box to check, look at the person behind the name and what they stand for. Don’t judge Jeb Bush on what his brother did, or Hilary Clinton based on her husband Bill’s popularity and accomplishments.

Most importantly, register, cast your opinion, and be part of the process. Who knows, it may be the start of your own political dynasty.

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richallan-300dpi-3125x4167 - CopyRichard Allan Jones is the author of the comedy/adventure, Drafted, and the upcoming political thriller, “Identity Check.”

 

Letters To Father

Dear Dad:

Today is Fathers Day 2014, so I thought it appropriate I write you a short note to let you know I still think about you and the influence you had on my life. You were a gentle soul. I don’t think I ever saw you lose your temper. If there were ever a family conflict, you were always the voice of reason. You taught me that compromise is not a bad thing.

Family Pictures 005

What do I remember most? So many things, but probably all our family vacations, camping up and down the east coast in the pop up trailer you designed and built, using your aeronautical engineering skills. I can picture the pride you had showing off your family at those work visitation days at Wright Patterson Air Force Base. How many kids had a dad who: designed a test plane that saved the government billions of dollars? Or received a letter from President Carter thanking you for your military and civilian service? Or attended every appearance or performance I ever did? Or encouraged me to be whatever I wanted to be?

I hated that phone call when you had the stroke at work, providing for your family right up to the last moment, never getting the chance to do something just for you. Too brief a time to hold your hand for one final time, like we used to when I was little, before the two final strokes that took you into a coma from which there was no return.Family Pictures 008

Thirty-six years have passed since you had to leave. You missed out on a lot of happy events, like my college masters graduation, our two kids, and the rest of your grandchildren, my first novel. Did you know my boss, the Director of the Ohio Department of Transportation, came to your funeral? 58 is way to soon to be taken away.

But maybe you didn’t miss anything. I can still feel your presence when I start to get angry and hear you telling me to count to ten first.Arthur George Jones, Jr.

So why don’t you come to dinner with us today and bring mother. It’s been a long time since we sat down together for a meal. I might even buy you a tie, but act surprised when you open it, so the others don’t know I told you.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad, Arthur George Jones, Jr., 1919-1978.

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Richard Allan Jones is the author of the novel “Drafted” and the upcoming thriller, “Confidential Connection.”

 

 

IRS “Search & Destroy” Squad Announced

May 20, 2013, Washington D.C.                                                                                                                    Image

For Immediate Release—

The President has announced the appointment of Will “no stone unturned” Johnston as head of the new “search and destroy” IRS squad. In explaining the rational of creating yet more bureaucracy in Washington, the chief executive said, “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before. The IRS has been so successful in the past, nailing gangsters, like Al Capone; entertainers, like Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes; and middle-class Americans, trying to scrape by. Now we can turn the wrath of the government on Republicans and the media. I can get whatever I want through Congress in record time.”

White House spokesperson, Seeit Myway, added, “We are tired of the news changing our press releases and telling the truth. That’s not what the people want to hear. Now if we catch wind of an unfavorable story, we can send in the IRS and threaten bankruptcy!”

Democratic chairman, Lefty Bygod, remarked, “This latest initiative is brilliant. We are always getting outspent by Republicans in political races. How can we get all our asses into office when those damn elephants have all the cash? Now all we have to do is send in the S&D squad and transfer their funds to us. We’ll never lose another election!”

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Footnotes:

1)  A.P. printed this wire story exactly as released, in its entirety, word for word, without any desperately needed rewrites or editorial comments under extreme financial duress.

2) Author remarks: Obviously, this is a poorly written satire on political current events and nothing like this could ever happen in America today…now could you please remove my phone tap and cancel the audit?

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Richard Allan Jones is an author, actor and musician who resides in the Los Angeles area. “Drafted” by Rich Allan is available at amazon.com. He appears in the upcoming HBO movie, “Behind the Candelabra,” and plays locals clubs with the 60s classic rock band, Revolution Road.

Ten Fun Things To Do on President’s Day

bill and hillary

  1. Take the president of your company to lunch (ask for a raise)
  2. Plant a cherry tree in your neighbor’s yard (then lie about it)
  3. If you live in the south, secede from the Union
  4. Watch a movie with a president in it (take a drink every time he appears on screen)
  5. Avoid talking to any woman named Squeaky Fromme
  6. Show the media your original birth certificate
  7. Throw a coin across the Potomac, preferably at a congressman
  8. Do not attend the Ford theater tonight (or any theater to be safe)
  9. Choose a running mate
  10. Deny you had anything to do with “that” woman (throw out the dress)

Rich Allan is the author of the comedy/adventure novel, “Drafted,” and a new political thriller, “Party Favors,” coming to a Kindle near you soon.

Ten Steps to Reducing the National Debt

Been watching the Washington D.C. debates on the fiscal cliff, debt ceiling, social security, medicare, and distributing free pens after bill signings, and after many minutes of pondering, have come up with a plan upon which I believe both Congress and the President can agree. Granted this is only one person’s opinion. I do not have a law degree, nor have I ever served in public office (other than being elected vice president of the chess club in high school, but that gave me absolutely no political insights). Apparently, based on the C-Span shared congressional sessions, arguments, filibusters, and displays of bullheadedness & pouting, having no experience is actually a positive thing. So with that assurance, I plunged into drawing up my ten-step plan to reduce the national debt, improve the economy, and eliminate dandruff.

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1.  Put aluminum siding on the White House. Do you have any idea how much of your tax money is spent scraping, painting, repairing, and washing this huge home every year? According to Sears, it would cost me a fortune to repaint my little home, and the White House is 55,000 square feet. Besides aluminum siding is attractive, durable and comes with a guarantee. I know it’s called the White House, but I would suggest a dark brown siding because it doesn’t show the dirt as much.

2.  Eliminate the inauguration celebrations. Did you watch all the hoopla on TV the last few days? Let’s face it, it’s just a big blowout for the winning political party, so they can rub the loser’s nose in it one more time. Have the President-elect, and VP, drop by the chief justice’s office, swear on the bible, reciting the Boy Scout oath & the Ten Commandments, and then get to work.

3. Eliminate multiple terms.  Doing so we can get rid of the phrase “lame duck.” I see no reason to continue maiming waterfowl to indicate there is no reason for the politician to be there. This would cut down on election expenses, improve the focus of the politician on the job instead of constantly worrying about fund-raising & kissing ass, plus eliminate attending all those special interest group boondoggles, and lifetime politicians, who can’t remember where they left their keys. I suggest terms of six years for President and Senate, and four years for Representatives. Get these guys out of office, and see if they can find a real job in this economy.

4.  Reduce the number of cabinet members and their departments. George Washington only had four cabinet members: Secretary of State, Treasury, and War, plus Attorney General (everybody can use a good lawyer).  Today we have twenty-one cabinet-level officials with thousands of employees each. Department of Labor…really? Women have been having babies for years without Federal assistance. Department of Agriculture, why?  What percentage of our economy still comes from agriculture?  Besides that department must be doing a lousy job, based on the poor farmers’ plight for the last 100 years.

5.  Eliminate the current Federal income tax. First of all, they own the U.S. Mint and can print as much legal money as they want, so why do I have to send them mine? If that doesn’t work, I propose a flat tax of 10%. Nothing’s more fair than that. Everybody pays a reasonable percentage of their income, and we eliminate the muddled process the income tax has become, and the argument between Congress & the President on who has to pay more. I realize the IRS, H.R Block, several CPAs, and lawyers will have to be retrained as short-order cooks and Merry Maids, but it’s only fair after all the pain they put us through charging big fees to figure out how much of our money we had to give away.

6.  Introduce a national sales tax. I know nobody likes more taxes, but this will really work & it’s fair (and remember you are saving $$s on the flat income tax). States have been cashing in on this tax for years. Even the Feds have used it on gasoline to generate revenue for the Dept. of Transportation. Add a Federal 3% tax to all taxable items and the government could generate millions of dollars per month! If you are buying a Ferrari, you can afford another 3% to get the U.S. out of debt.

7.  Socialize Medicine. It works in a lot of countries around the world and there is no reason it can’t work here. Medical lawsuits and drug companies have driven up the cost of health care in this country, until nobody can afford it. Medicare is a joke and it is not funny.  Give everybody free hospitalization for serious stuff and we will cover the normal doctor’s visits.  Patients have to sign a legal waiver to get treatment…no private lawsuits, but criminal prosecution remains. Drug companies have to offer generic alternative products at a reasonable price.

8.  Grandfather the elimination of social security. Not sure what the government does with all the money that we and our employers have sent them over the years, but pretty sure their return on investment hasn’t reached an average annual 10% that most brokerage firms can generate. Starting in 2014, everyone age 40 & under, would have 4% of their wages, matched equally by their employer, automatically deposited in an investment vehicle of their choice, and would stop paying into social security. Have the existing social security portfolio privatized and managed by a firm with a proven track record. No checks issued. All direct deposit.

9.  Raise the prices on all vending machines in government buildings. Every little bit helps and politicians have too many perks already. Who else gets to buy a Diet Coke for only a quarter? 50% of every purchase will be kicked back to the Treasury Department.

10.  Improve the U.S. debt collection process. The U.S. loans out billions of dollars every year to countries around the globe who do not pay it back. We also should increase the interest rate on these loans to the same daily compounded 21% the rest of have to pay when we borrow money or use a credit card. I also suggest the FBI work with members of the mob, in exchange for immunity, of course, to handle the collection of this debt, as the mob has a certain reputation for getting their money back, plus outrageous interest.

Well, that’s it. If you agree, or not, feel free to pass along to your congressman or other important, influential officials. In the right hands, this plan could have us back on our feet as a nation in no time, and even generate enough extra cash to have a picnic, buy a candy bar, or mail a letter.  Rich Allan is the author of the new political thriller, “Party Favors,” coming to a Kindle near you soon.